Fall is the season of renewal, but it can also be a season of falling. These last days life is a season of ambivalence. After all, for something to be made new and fresh, it first has to have gotten old and worn. Perhaps our lives suffer the same fashion. Perhaps sometimes we need renewal; perhaps sometimes we need to fall in order to go up. Lately I have been running more; it serves as a barrier against an oceanic emotional current. I see the leaves falling from the trees and I feel melancholic. I miss Hawaii. I know I have never been very good facing changes and this idea helps me to understand my own feelings knowing that suddenly everything will look wonderful again.

I have discovered something, though. When I see her smile any uncertainty or fluctuation (especially when caused by conflicting emotions) I resume feeling happiness. Not a euphoric state of joy but just a quiet happy moment that whispers - "everything is good". To say the truth I find adulthood totally overrated, I have always picture motherhood blissful. Why then do I sometimes feel lost? I have heard comments glorifying how to be a mom feels like.

I truly think nothing is white or black and perhaps this is what gives life to life. Life is so daily. I hope for better feelings, I hope for being able to see the grass again on spring season and realize that these changes give color to my life. I find my family exquisite, that is a fact however I feel like an adult who cannot understand anything yet, but I am instinctively pleased by the resolution in laughter.

If I would ever talk to a new mom-to-be I will reserve my counsel but I sure will let her know all of this is totally worth it indeed.